He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
