If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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