I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
