i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
