the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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