Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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