Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
