so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
