just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The uberlube is also flammable
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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