I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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