Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
