i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Farmville is her only friend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
