I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
