Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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