Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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