I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
