he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
this beer tastes like vomit already
I could make wine with my vomit
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
