You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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