just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
