WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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