i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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