He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
