i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
