he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
