You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
