You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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