so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
