I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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