my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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