Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
