I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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