I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
