My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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