the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
