Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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