you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
