I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
