Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
