I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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