If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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