just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
