I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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