I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
