I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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