Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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