I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
