I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
