I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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