ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
