Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
