my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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