She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
