She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Randomize
