I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
