I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
