youre lurking in front of me
he thought i was a dude.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize