Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize