I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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