just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
