Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
