"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
