Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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