Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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