***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
