We're facebook friends in real life
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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