i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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