my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
