I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize