My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Are my feet made of real feet?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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