the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
