Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize