Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
