I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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