Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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