i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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