Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
