Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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