last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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