I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
