my phone needs a breathalizer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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